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Forty-five minutes into the film Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, I can't breathe well enough to adequately fill my lungs. Tears drip down my upper lip into my mouth, and sadness cripples my voice. I feel the way I felt the morning high school administration interrupted my Algebra class to hold an impromptu Assembly and tell us that the "small fire" in the Twin Towers is actually a terrorist attack: anxious and overwhelmed by fear of the unknown. 

During that Assembly, I breathed deeply to fight back tears and numb the thought that my aunt may have been on the train as it pulled into the World Trade Center station. I prayed for her safety, and, in English class after, my best friend and I held hands while jets frightfully roared overhead.

My family was fine that day... physically. Unlike the many families who suffered the loss of beloved family members and friends, I did not have to deeply bear the heartache of such a tragic event. I know, however, that September 11th, 2001 traumatized me. My depression certainly worsened that year, fueled by the truth of the saying "Tomorrow is promised to no one."

When I was in the third grade, my maternal great-grandmother passed away, and I remember feeling deeply saddened that Mita was no longer with me; but 9/11 hurt me in ways I could not recognize until I was in college. Throughout my lifetime, I had felt the pressure of inevitable death, but after the attack on the WTC, I became even more fearful of facing the day when someone I loved would pass the realm of living into the unknown. I lived every day in fear. Fearful that my time with my family was limited, and I wasn't making the most of it. Unfortunately, this fear pushed me in the opposite direction from what one would think it would push me. Instead of drawing closer to my family, I grew distant from them. Besides relying upon the excuse of getting caught up in the annals of my daily life, I subconsciously thought I could deal better with my fear of death and its consequences by isolating myself from my loved ones.

It was not until a decade after 9/11, though, that I faced the seemingly unconquerable pain of losing another family member and the realization that my self-induced isolation would leave me with many regrets about the way I conducted my life. On March 10th, 2011, my beloved maternal grandfather, Primitivo Mendez, died. I suddenly understood why he had been so angry with God when his own mother, Mita, transcended. Death may be a fact of life and it may be explained biologically; but it is emotionally incomprehensible.

However, I was less angry with God than I was with myself. 

Firstly, I felt that my grandfather's death was my fault. During a memorial service for my college friend, Aliyah, the year before, my friend mentioned how, with the birth of her son, she knew there would be three deaths in her family; and there were-- the passings of Aliyah, her grandmother and her dog. This conversation stuck with me, giving me the illusion that the birth of my son had somehow caused my grandfather's death. Although my therapist has mostly convinced me that such thinking is ludicrous, part of me still wonders if he'd be alive if I had never gotten pregnant.

Secondly, I felt extremely guilty for isolating myself from my family while I was in college. I missed out on so much valuable time with my Abuelo. Of course, I had my excuses: I was too busy with school to make the trip downtown; I was too depressed to do anything other than nurse my wounded soul; I was too young to know any better; I was too scared of having to communicate in Spanish. Ultimately, though, there is no excuse for not making the most out of the time that we have with our family. 

My grandfather was a funny man, full of stories and compassion. He called my mother China Fea because he insisted he and my grandmother found her in a garbage can in Chinatown. My mother believed him because they often found good games in Chinatown's trash. He had a mind for business, working several jobs even while owning a record store in the Lower East Side and ultimately buying a taxi medallion. He cared deeply for his family, even if he would only gruffly acknowledge an "I love you" with a swift nod of his head and slight smile.

I live now in my grandfather's apartment. His records still take up all the shelf space in the closet, and his canes are there too in a corner. His picture sits above the dirty dishes in the sink, and his record table holds his forlorn mail. Every day, I am reminded that I only have my own apartment because he is gone. Every day, I wish that I still lived in my parents' house and that he still lived.

My boyfriend said earlier today that the first year after his father passed away was the hardest, that years pass by quickly, but even five years later it feels like just yesterday that your loved one has gone away. He said that one good thing comes out of such an event though: that you learn to appreciate the family you do have. I think he is right; but I still worry that I am not doing enough to show my family I appreciate them, that I am still not making the most of my time with them. I don't know that my parents and my sister and my grandmother know that I mean it when I say I can't imagine my life without them, that I don't want to. No matter how much we may get on each other's nerves, no matter how long I may delay visiting them, I love them and don't ever want to be without them. I don't know if they realize that I still live every day in fear of losing them... because the next moment is unknown to us, and I am often scared of what the future holds.

Having a child really is a game-changer. Suddenly, it makes sense that my parents and grandparents became so angry when I did not call on time or come home at the appointed hour. Just as much as I hate the thought of losing them, they loathe the idea of losing me. I believe that someday my son will experience feelings similar to mine. Equis will one day understand the vitality of showing his loved ones just how much he cares. I just hope he doesn't have to feel as badly when he visits my grave as I do when I visit that of my grandfather's.

In the end, it is important to remind ourselves that every moment is precious, that even though society often dictates that we should spend most of our time working to make money and completing other endless errands, our family is precious. Family should always come first.

Read poetry inspired by my grandfather and his passing:
Bedside Sojourns
 


Comments

judy
03/10/2012 9:58am

I cry as I type, I cannot form words at this time. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as I shed my tears. HOw I miss my dad......

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03/10/2012 10:20am

My dearest Mommy, I share in your grief. I miss Grampara so so much. I love you.

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Luis Brandon
03/21/2012 12:03am

I dont really have any words. I just feel compelled to comment. You shared this on my page a while ago, and i've been meaning to read, I just havent managed to pull myself to do it. Last week my grandmother died.

My experience with death, is alot different than yours. I have seen many funerals. I never isolated myself, even though i knew more connections would only make more severed ties. And even though how we chose to conduct our lives were different, that knowledge of the inevitable followed by the shock of the moment as it arrives is all too similar,

I dont know what else to say. But you know i've never had anything but love for you, and i wish you and your family well. Peace.

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03/22/2012 9:23am

Dearest Luis,

Thank you for taking the time to read and share encouraging, wise words on this post.

I send you my condolences and love in this time of difficulty. May God give you and your family peace, comfort and strength so that you may celebrate your grandmother's life.

You say it perfectly: more connections do mean more severed ties; but it is totally worth it. The shock of the moment is horribly painful, and there is no way to get through it except to grieve. My spirit is with yours as we do just that.

~Xiomara

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07/13/2012 1:28am

Good info bro

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05/14/2013 6:02am

It is such a touching post! Sometimes there will be many such moments in our life! We won’t know whom to blame for all those things! We would be very much depressed! Some would blame fate while some others would blame God! Even if we make a hundred theories telling that is the way to behave in such situations, we won’t do that when we are facing such situations in life!

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05/24/2013 7:34pm

Death in a family, although inevitable is always heartbreaking. We never know when it's gonna happen. Thanks for sharing your person journey and hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

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09/28/2013 12:45am

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